Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
