This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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