so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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