Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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