I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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