If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
