I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
