how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
