Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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