i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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