The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
