Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
