Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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