my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
