Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
