I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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