3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
