hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
