The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
