the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
