don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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