i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
