cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
