I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
