Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
