I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
