Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
