he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
