Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
