You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
