my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
