if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
