Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
