Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
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So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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