He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
