We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
