i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
