He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
