I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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