Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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