Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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