I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
