So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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