I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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