The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
