Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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