I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
