but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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