Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
