Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
