I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
