You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
