A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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