This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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