He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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