then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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