drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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