We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
